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| I didn't know it was possible to hate myself this much.
I can't get away from it.
If it gets any worse I will have just killed myself.
I feel psychotic.
I can't be alone by myself, with my thoughts. I start to get headaches. I start to cry. I start to curl up into myself, me & my own little world of self hatred.
I have to have someone or something to occupy my mind at all times or I go crazy.
Eric doesn't realize that that's why I talk to people. Maybe ultimately I am just a huge slut. All I do is flirt & hope someone will like me enough to talk to me for five minutes. It's not like I have sex with anyone that asks.
I can't even hang out with people any more. I hate attention, so I don't like talking to people about my life. I don't really want anyone to know I'm depressed, because that causes unnecessary shit. So I have to pretend.
But it is just... so much work.
A lot of people don't understand depressed people. As if it's just a switch you can turn on and off in your brain.
It is honestly exhausting for me to hang out with people. It is exhausting to put on a front & try to act okay for so long. I have to constantly be aware of my facial expressions. I have to constantly make sure that it looks like I am paying attention & listening/reacting to the person I am hanging out with. I have to constantly smile & think of funny & witty things to say, because if I don't, I act like I'm dead. I could honestly sit there & space out for a good 20 minutes if you let me. I'm usually really good at blocking out thoughts & emotions, but I've been slipping these past couple weeks. I can feel the crazy leaking in. It feels as if my brain just blocks most of my emotions. I can't feel them. I felt love for my little sister for the first time in two years the other day & I had to stop what I was doing to keep from crying from it. Or at least, I hope that was love.
Honestly, I don't know if that's depression or just me being a fucking psychopath.
I feel like a psychopath sometimes.
Except that I don't like to kill people or anything.
I have a blood fetish, but that's about it.
I couldn't actually cause physical harm to anyone.
What is that?
What is wrong with me?
Why are psychiatrists so fucking expensive?
To be completely honest, I hate all people. They are not worth the work it takes to be around them. I would much rather never talk to anyone, & just play Pokemon, watch Anime, read, make friendship bracelets, etc. I don't know why I try.
I'm so scared of myself. I think I will disappear completely one day.
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| I'm not really sure what to do about my moods. They seem to be getting worse. I'm turning into a child.
The worst thing is, talking about what's going on in my head just seems to make it worse. I can't even blog about it. I always seem to talk myself into circles, corners.
& What's also been getting worse lately is my self-hatred. I can't seem to get away from it. I don't hate myself for being fat, but I do hate eating. But I can't not eat. It's the one thing in the world that gives me some comfort.
I hate myself for being lazy & not doing schoolwork.
The time might have run out on it, I don't even know.
But I just... can't do it. There are some things in the world I really just cannot do.
I love to read. I love it. I can't get enough of it.
But I can't even read my favorite book for more than half an hour.
I could play Pokemon until the end of time, but only in 30 minute time frames.
I adore movies, but anything longer than an hour, maybe an hour and a half, and it loses my attention.
I especially can't do schoolwork. It took so much effort for me to get through Psychology and Career Building for my homeschooling program. They were easy books and I had to apply myself so hard.
& Then they give me British Literature. I can't even think of anything good to say about British Literature. It's shit.
For some reason, Beowulf was lumped into British Literature, even though I don't even know if it was written by a Brit. But anyhow, Beowulf was written so fucking long ago, it wasn't even written. It was spoken.
It was an epic poem made for the sole purpose of sounding good to an audience when recited aloud. Not just recited aloud, but recited aloud IN THE FUCKING LANGUAGE IT WAS WRITTEN.
After you've translated the fucking thing 12 times it loses a lot of its meaning. And a lot is an understatement. You lose any alliteration, any assonance, any literary device. Just name any device. Beowulf maybe once had it, but after you've fucking translated it over 3000 years it sort of loses all of that.
.You cannot precisely translate something like that. Essentially, everything you were trying to teach your students was lost in translation, and it's now worthless.
It's not even easy to read. I tried reading it as a nice poem, like it was meant to be read, and it just sounds like shit. So you have to read it like a story, even though it's set up like a poem, and even then, you don't quite understand all the ridiculous language they use.
If you ever wanted to know 27 different ways to refer to a person, object, anything, then read Beowulf. You'll think he's talking about something else, but really he's just referring to the same person in a completely different way.
I could go on and on with this.
My point is, I only ever get to page 19 or so whenever I try to read Beowulf. Even if I sit down, TV off, music off, no noise, nothing, I can't focus. & if I try to focus harder that only seems to make it worse.
Although truthfully, a little blog rant has made me feel better, so I'm going to stop right there.
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| Everyone called her a drugged up coke-whore before her death, & now people are crying, saying "she was so talented and misunderstood" and everyone feels the need to point a finger at somebody.
Honestly, I wish people would stop doing this.
When deaths like this happen, who is to blame?
No one but the fucking person themselves.
That's all. People seriously need to stop crying about it.
It does not matter who introduced Ms. Winehouse to drugs, or who enabled her, or who ignored it, etc. etc. etc.
What matters is, she clearly had a problem with drugs, eating disorders, and mental health. She had every chance, and more than enough money & means to help herself, & she chose not to.
sNow, as a person who has struggled with mental problems, eating disorders, self harm, and drugs, I know very well that it is extremely hard to come out of these habits, and you often need someone else's help to do it. But it is not impossible. It requires, on the person's part, a desire to come out of these habits.
I also know that there are some people that know they will never come out of it, & sort of just give up.
Which to me seems was the case for Ms. Winehouse.
Honestly, there are some people in the world that you cannot help. No matter how hard you try, no matter how much you do for them, it does not matter. They cannot, and will not, be helped.
That is their own fault.
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| Honestly, this is something I feel pretty strongly about.
Now, I don't know if I'm being cynic, or just a straight up asshole, but here goes:
I don't watch tv, so I didn't see anything about the trial, but from what I understand, Casey Anthony neglected/killed her child, partied, etc, but was ultimately found not-guilty.
I can't decide if it's a good thing that our whole nation can pull together on a topic like this.
But to me... I can't fully understand why an entire nation of people would be so pissed off at this woman.
Yes, she "killed" her child. Maybe it's because the kid was so cute that people feel so strongly about it? I have no clue. Maybe I would feel something if I had followed the trial from the beginning, but to me, this is just one more dead kid.
One more dead kid, one more injustice in the world.
Nothing particularly special. Maybe it's the fact that it went to trial in such a suspenseful way that people are so pissed? I guess I might be a little annoyed if someone I don't even know or care about came so close to paying for their crimes but then didn't. But I've thought about it, and I really don't care.
Am I a sociopath?
I'm really sorry, but just because the little girl was cute does not give people more of a reason to be pissed off for her. Does anyone know just how many pissy Casey Anthony related facebook statuses there were the day she was found not-guilty? I'm sure everyone knows, because there's not a single way that every single one of your 500 friends was not irked.
But just the other day, over 90 teens died in Norway. Did I see even a single facebook status about this needless violence? Over 90 more people than just one little girl died that day. No one gives a shit about those dead kids.
Do you have any fucking clue how many kids die every day in Africa? In India? China?
Any fucking clue?
& You want to talk about the injustices in the world.
& sure, maybe we shouldn't get concerned over deaths in other countries. They are in other countries, after all, we should focus on our own news.
I just think there are so many ways that people could invest their time and rage than this.
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| I am slowly but surely becoming a recluse.
I never talk to anyone.
Where before I was able to at least make it look like I could function as a normal human being in public, now I can't go anywhere for fear of this no longer being the case.
I am deathly afraid to hang out with people. Thinking about it gives me very real anxiety.
Which appears to be the only emotion I can feel these days.
I've started to become very obsessive over little things, and objects.
I started cutting again. A very real reflection of just how far I've regressed. I feel like such a pathetic loser. Even if I did want to get close to someone, which I have no desire to do, I can't because I don't want anyone seeing that.
I can't talk to a guy without manipulating him. I'm not even sure what my real personality is.
If I could feel anything, I guess it would be self-loathing.
I am very contemptible to myself, but somehow I can't feel the exact emotion of it
Which is good I guess.
Some people weren't meant to survive in the world.
I've always believed that.
No matter what you try to do for them, they are doomed.
I'm one of those people.
I believe that one day I will end up killing myself.
It's only a matter of time.
Not that I'm in a huge rush to arrive early, or anything.
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